


the boat is about to sink.

by starlightmelody



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, Sad, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-03 13:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13342182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightmelody/pseuds/starlightmelody
Summary: Evan is stuck in a time loop. He's not an idiot so he realizes soon enough. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time it happened Evan was extremely confused.

He had gotten home from a stressful day and was still ovethinking what bullshit his stupid mouth had spilled to the Murphy's. His eyes shut and he drowned in slumber.

After was seemed to be a few minutes he found his eyes staring at his computer screen, his fingers typing away on his letter. He read it, the same pathetic rambling appeared as the day before. He abruptly stopped typing, reading the words over and over again. 

_What the hell?_   He thought. He looked up to see his Mom standing in the doorway to his room and what appeared to be money in her hand.

"So, you just decided not to eat last night?" 

He blinked, staring at his mother. Her look of disappointment turned into a look of concern.

"Evan? You okay, honey?"

"Wh-What? Oh- I j-just had um, like deja.. deja vu?"  

She nodded, still eyeing him worryingly. He heard shout from the staircase:

"Don't forget those letters! You have an appointment with Dr. Sherman today!" 

\--------- time skip ---------

He tried to retrace his steps at school, hoping for the same results. 

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?"

He flushed at the words but mentally sighed in relief. At least today wasn't abnormal for anyone else. He looked at Jared, sighed rather audibly and started to walk off.

"Evan? You left your locker open."

"Ri-Right." He turned around before slamming it closed, half jogging down the hall. 

"O-Oh wait! Jared!" 

He heard Jared walk up to him and started to talk. 

"D-Do you wanna um, know how- how I broke my- my arm?"

Jared nodded silently, chewing his lip. 

"So um, I don't know if you know this, but I worked this summer as- as an apprentice um, park ranger? At Ellison- Ellison state park. I'm kind of- kind of a tree expert now? Anyway, I-I tried to climb this forty-foot-tall oak- oak tree."

Jared squinted at him but engaged anyway

"And then you fell..?"

Evan nodded. "Actually um, it's a funny story, because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell, when I- I just lay there? On the ground. Like, um, waiting for- for s-someone to come and- come to get me? Any second now, I kept saying- saying to myself. Any second now, here they come." 

Evan started to feel something build up in the back off his throat and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He looked back up at Jared to see him looking at his face with a concerned expression.

"So, did they?"

Evan shook his head, "No, nobody came. That's the, that's what's funny?"

He could feel the awkwardness between the two and the air became thick. He didn't even notice the tear rolling down his cheek before Jared pointed it out. He laughed it off like it was nothing and slowly made his way to home room.

On the way to class he saw Connor Murphy and his words suddenly stopped working. He stood there, his face white, staring at Connor as he pulled out books, an annoyed expression painted on his face. 

Connor looked up at him, his eyebrows furrowing. Evan could practically see him thinking before coming to a conclusion.

"The fuck are you staring at?"

"Noth-Nothing. Nothing at all." He made the same mistake by exhaling because it sounded like a laugh. AGAIN!

"Wai-Wait no. Not again."

Connor clearly wasn't paying attention because he stomped over to Evan, hatred on his face before saying the same words.

"You think I'm a freak?"

"N-No! I-"

"I'm not the freak!"

"Connor,"

"YOU'RE THE FUCKING FREAK!"

He felt his back hit the dirty tile and his sweaty hands were sticking to the cold floor. How did he fuck this up?

\--------- time skip ---------

He probably sounded crazy or something but he swore he was stuck in some sort of time loop. 

A thought came to mind immediately.

He could do whatever he wants!

For some reason the first thing he did was type out his letter. Again. But, this time, he'd sign it off properly. No confusion, no Angry Connor.

This time however, instead of writing a note like before except cutting the Zoe part out his brain decided to write the most self-deprecating note in history. He watched himself type a mess of hatred out. It said:

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_You're a loser. Jared only uses you for car insurance and you can't even make a friend. You're a senior. Stop acting like a baby._

_No wonder your mom is at work all the time. She can't stand having her son be a lonely freak._

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and (only) dear friend, Me, Evan Hansen._

He sighed, barely skimming the computer document. He pressed printed and started mentally counting down. At 2 seconds Connor came striding in. Evan turned and just like before there was his letter, in Connor Murphy's hand.

"So. What happened to your arm?"

"Oh, I um, I fell out of a- a tree actually."

Connor laughed loudly, just as Evan remembered. 

"You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my God."

Evan tried to join in but his laugh came out forced and weird.

"I know. Pretty- pretty sad."

Evan saw a small frown appear on Connor's face before it disappeared.

"No one's signed your cast."

"Do-do you want to um, sign it?" 

"Do you have a sharpie?"

He reached into his back pocket, feeling the pen and pulling it out before placing it in Connor's out stretched hand. 

Connor signed it just as before. Big, bold letters covered the cast and Evan leaned into the contact slightly. He waited a beat for Connor to continue.

"Is this yours? I found it in the printer. "Dear Evan Hansen." That's your name, right?"

He watched Connor scan the page, his face twisting into worry and confusion.

"Hansen, what the fuck is this?"

"It'saletterformytherapistpleasedon'tpushme." He cursed himself for rambling before returning to the situation at hand. 

Connor sighed before grabbing his non-casted arm. He watched in shock as he was being dragged into a fancy looking car and being put in the passenger seat. His breaths came out ragged as he stared at the surroundings from the car window. Connor was muttering something to himself, the letter now rolled up in the cup holder. Evan glanced at it before looking at Connor who's lip was now raw and his face was sweating slightly.

"C-Connor, are- are you um, okay?"

Connor chuckled quietly before nodding, his teeth still chewing at his bottom lip. Connor started to drive, looking sure of where he was going. Evan felt himself start to drift off as quiet music played from the stereo. He didn't even notice his eyes closing before he was asleep again. 

He woke up, expecting to be where he was this morning but he found himself surrounded by green and Connor going around the car to open his door. 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He figured, 'Hey, if Jared really isn't my friend or whatever he surely wouldn't care if I told him how I broke my arm, would he?' So he went ahead and made an incredibly stupid, dangerous mistake. But who cares? He has all these other loops that will just lead to Jared forgetting whatever he said anyway. That's where it all went wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating in so long. Enjoy this chapter despite it being so short. I love you all.

Surprisingly, sitting alone with Connor was actually quite peaceful. His legs were slightly numb from sitting so long but he could still feel grass tickling his legs as the wind blew each blade. 

He just sat, bathing in the sun, quietly listening (and responding) to Connor's quiet babbling. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Connor stood up. Evan looked up at him, snapping out of his dazed state before the muffled shouting became loud and clear. 

"You probably weren't even fucking listening were you?! You're just here because you feel bad for me! You think this is funny, huh? Playing a stupid prank on the school's resident school shooter."

"Connor.. I-I swear, this-this isn't that. This isn't that- at.. - at all!" 

Evan found himself on his feet too as he waved his hands around in front of him, desperately trying to explain to Connor that whatever he was thinking was definitely untrue. Before he could fully explain himself, Connor was already stomping across the open plain and Evan could hear the car door being shut. Even though he knew it was too late he ran after the car anyway, yelling, begging for Connor to come back because he knew exactly what was going to happen. 

Evan looked down in defeat and sat against the nearest tree trunk, he felt tears falling down his cheek as he repeatedly bounced his head off the hard bark of the tall oak. He slowly felt himself starting doze off, despite his brain fighting against his now extremely heavy eyelids. 

 

Evan woke up in a cold sweat, the cast around his arm feeling heavy and like it was holding his arm down to the bed.

"So, you just decided not to eat last night?"

"I.. I wasn't hungry. I'll try to eat something tonight. I-I promise."

His mother seemed definitely satisfied with his answer and he mentally high-fived himself for finally doing something right in this whole fucked up situation.

Again, he was walking to his locker. Counting down the seconds until Jared would make his snarky comment. He figured, 'Hey, if Jared really isn't my friend or whatever he surely wouldn't care if I told him how I broke my arm, would he?' So he went ahead and made an incredibly stupid, dangerous mistake. But who cares? He has all these other loops that will just lead to Jared forgetting whatever he said anyway. 

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their-"

"Actually, Jared, I broke my arm from jumping out of a forty-foot-tall oak tree. Why? B-Because nobody would really give a shit if I disappeared."

After saying this, rather loudly might he add, he instantly regretted it when he saw tears start to build up in Jared's usually bright and hazel eyes. 

"Ev-Evan what... what are you talking about?"

"D-Didn't you-  Didn't you hear me?"

Jared was just pretending, he has to be. There was no way his "family friend" actually cared about any of it.

He was starting to walk away again when he felt an arm pull him back, two warm hands settling on his shoulder. His blue eyes met hazel, staring intensely.

"Jared, please, I have- I have to get to class."

"No, no, no. Evan, we have to talk about this. We're friends, aren't we? I care about you and what you just said is crazy. You don't do that kind of stuff, right? That wasn't you talking. You're just kidding."

He couldn't screw this up more. Evan just nodded. He couldn't go to class anymore, he'd have to deal with the embarrassment of being late if he did. He had to go home. He needed to go home. 

"Jared, I don't-I don't feel w-well. Let-Let me go home, pl-please."

Evan was tired. He's so damn tired. He pushed past Jared, ignoring the calls of his name that were growing in volume and they sounded more frantic and scared. Jared would forget about this. He had more loops. It was fine, he was okay.

 


End file.
